Attack on Science!
by RulerOfRuins
Summary: Or: "How I learned to stop worrying and slay titans." This is why you don't bring logic and reason into a fantasy story. Happy April Fools day. All of the April Fools days.


Chapter 1: A Fool's Reason

* * *

"How long has it been since we were given a break?" Armin smiled, "Feels nice to be allowed to relax for a few days."

"We're still expected to be prepared in case of a Titan attack." Mikasa noted.

"Er...yes well...E-Eren, what do you think?"

"Part of me wants to get back to work." Eren sighed as they walked through the marketplace, "But I haven't seen you guys for a while so it's nice to finally get some time together."

"Yeah. We've all been working hard so we should get the chance to relax!" Armin said, staring at Mikasa.

"...Alright then. So what should we do?"

…

…

…

"How about we find something to eat?" Eren suggested.

"Not really hungry." Mikasa said.

"I would be all for it, but I actually managed to get a full breakfast today." Armin said, "Had to hide away from Sasha, but it was worth it. Kinda."

"Where did you hide?"

"You probably don't want to know."

"...Well eating is out of the question." Eren sighed, "What now?"

A small piece of paper tumbled towards them on the wind before latching on Eren's leg. Curious, Eren picked it up.

* * *

"...Titan slaying class?"

"What?" Mikasa said, taking a look at the piece of paper

"There's an advertisement for a titan slaying class." Eren frowned as he read the flyer, " 'From 3D Maneuver gear to swords to supplemental armaments that will take you from just killing Titans to slaying Titans.' "

"Huh. Sounds promising." Armin noted.

"There's more." Eren said, " 'Take your game to the Titian's crib as you use the skills you learned from this class to blow those rhyme spitting mofos' head all across their crib yo.' "

"...What?"

" 'Are you afraid of Titans?' " Mikasa read from behind Eren's shoulder, " 'Then you're not going to last long. Because the Titans are going to be the biggest and heaviest champion you will ever face? Are you ready? No. You think you're strong? You're nothing compared to the titans. But take this class and you might be ready. For the fight that's going to come knocking on your door this Sunday, Sunday SUNDAY.' "

"...Does the flyer have multiple personality disorder?" Armin frowned.

" 'You remind me of the titan.' "

"What titan?" Armin asked.

" 'The titan with the power.' "

"What power?" Armin frowned.

" 'The power of voo-doo.' "

"Who do?!" Armin cried, getting increasingly frustrated.

"You do."

"DO WHAT?"

" 'Remind me of the titan.' "

"Okay just how long is that flyer?!"

"I think that's it."

"Well that's good. This was really starting to sound kinda fruit-"

"No wait it's a pamphlet." Eren said as he opened it, "Ever since the dawn of mankind, we have been faced with many problems-"

"You can stop there." Armin sighed, "I don't think I can take this flyer seriously anymore."

"No it's serious." Mikasa said, "There's even a schedule."

"Really?"

"Yeah."

"...You sure this isn't just a prank? Or some sort of...April Fools joke?"

"12:00 PM. Research and Development Room No. 13, Wall Sina, Yalkell District. Ask for nearby military base."

"THIS IS MILITARY FUNDED?!" Armin cried.

"Well if you think about it, who else would be qualified to teach a class on titan killing?" Eren said.

"I...Well...okay you have a point there."

"Eren it's a class on titan Slaying."

"What's the difference between titan slaying and killing?"

"I dunno, but we could go to the class."

"You're not seriously thinking of going to that class are you?!" Armin cried.

"Why not?" Mikasa shrugged, "Got nothing else to do today."

"The class is today?"

"Yeah." Eren said, checking the schedule, "Besides, I could go for a few lessons on titan killing."

"Slaying."

"Whatever. So long as it makes it easier."

"What about you Armin?" Mikasa asked.

"Well..." Armin sighed, "If you two are going I mind as well go too."

"Great."

"Even if this seems incredibly silly."

"What?"

"Nothing."

* * *

"Here we are." Eren said as he checked the flyer, "Room No. 13."

The door opened to a surprisingly normal looking classroom. Which was odd in and of itself since they were inside a military base.

"Maybe it's a meeting room?" Mikasa suggested.

"And they sit at desks?" Armin asked.

Mikasa shrugged.

"So..." Eren said, looking around, "Where do we sit?"

"Really Eren?"

"What? We're the first ones here. We get our pick of seats."

"I think we're going to be the only ones here." Armin sighed.

"What?"

"Nothing."

"Alright. I call the window seat!" Eren cried running off.

"I call the seat next to you." Mikasa said, following him.

"Hey, I...sigh...I'm taking this seat." Armin said, taking the seat closest to the door.

"Oh come on, why there?"

"Precaution."

"Oh all right." Eren sighed.

The two got back up and took seats next to Armin.

"Wh-I thought you wanted the window seat."

"Yeah, but it's better to be together with friends in class don't you think?" Eren smiled.

Mikasa nodded in agreement.

"You guys..."

* * *

"When is the class going to start?" Armin sighed as he laid his head on the desk.

"Well it starts at 12 and it's still 11."

"Then why are we so early?"

"It's 11: 59."

Before Armin could respond, the door opened and someone walked in. He took a quick glance at the three of them before moving to the podium at the front. A girl followed him carrying a clipboard.

"So." The man said as he looked through his notes, "You three are Eren Yeager, Mikasa Ackerman and Armin Arlet correct?"

"How did you know?" Armin frowned.

"Attendance."

"When did you get an-"

"Anyway." The man interrupted, "What are you guys doing here again?"

"I...We...You...You said-"

"This is the Titan Slaying Class you advertised, sir." The girl next to him said.

"Seriously? I made like one flyer. Didn't expect people to actually show up."

"So is there no class?" Eren asked.

"Oh no. I have some things I could teach you about titans."

"Like what?" Armin asked.

"First thing's first." The man said, "My name is Essay."

…

…

"Seriously?"

"Seriously what?" Essay asked, "And this is my assistant, Thesis."

…

…

"Your names are seriously Essay and Thesis?" Armin frowned.

"Yeah."

"Why?"

"Because we're kind of mouthpieces for the author to vent some frustrations with the story. Well...me especially. Thesis is just kind of here to be the quirky side character and straight ma-woman/accomplice."

"I'm quirky." Thesis said.

"...You do know that you just broke the fourth wall." Armin said.

"So?"

"So now the readers are going to think you're a Mary Sue and hate you."

"Aren't you breaking the fourth wall too?"

"I..." Armin stopped.

"Anyway, welcome to my class on Titan Slaying." Essay said, "All three of you. Before we start the class would you like to do introductions?"

"Oh. I'm Eren Yeager." Eren said, standing up, "I'm in the-"

"I know who you are. You're famous. Or infamous. Same thing really."

"O-Oh..." Eren said as he sat back down.

"I'm Mikasa Ackerman." Mikasa said as she stood up, "I-"

"I know you too."

Armin frowned when Essay stared at him.

"...What?"

"Aren't you going to introduce yourself?"

"Is there even a point?"

"So everyone gets to know each other better."

"But you already know us."

"I don't know you."

"You...sigh." Armin sighed as he got up, "I'm Armin Arlet. I-"

"Just kidding I know you too." Essay said as he flipped through his notes, "You're the kid that stood up to a general or something weren't you?"

…

…

"You can sit down now." Essay noted.

Armin slowly sat back down.

* * *

"Anyway." Essay said as he finally started the class, "How many of you know what a Titan is?"

"I do." Eren said.

"I do." Mikasa said.

"I'm pretty sure everyone here does." Armin muttered.

"What?" Essay asked.

"I'm pretty sure everyone here does." Thesis spoke up.

"Alright. Just making sure." Essay said as he flipped through his notes again, "Let's see...where should I begin...Well alright. Here. Thesis, the sample please."

Thesis walked back outside and came back with a box.

"So." Essay said as he opened the box and reached inside, "How many of you know what this is?"

Essay pulled out a large black metal sphere. It made a large thud sound when Essay struggled to put the object on the podium.

"Here's a hint." Essay said, "It's not a bowling ball."

"Is it a cannonball?" Eren asked.

"Correct."

"Like the ones we fire from the cannons on top of the wall?" Mikasa asked.

"Yep."

"Why do you have something so dangerous?!" Armin asked.

"Because what's important is what's inside it." Essay said as he knocked against the cannonball.

…

"Gunpowder?"

"Gunpowder!" Essay crowed, "Otherwise known as the thing that makes it explode. And takes off the head of a titan. Or your arms. Or your head. Except you can't regenerate your head so be careful."

"And why did you bring a cannonball to class?"

"To prove a point, Armin." Essay said as he picked up the cannonball and tossed it up into the air.

"Be careful with that!" Armin cried, "If that thing explodes then this classroom might be gone!"

"Don't be silly." Essay said as he caught the cannonball, "It's going to take a much harder impact to set this off."

"How do you know?"

"How do I explain this?" Essay said as he turned the cannonball over in his hands, "Let's say you're working the cannons one day and of course a Titan attacks. Now look at this cannonball. Clear, smooth and steely. Do you really think you can hold your grip on this very well in the thick of panic and battle?"

"...No..."

"Exactly. So if this cannonball really was so volatile that it explodes if it so much drops out of my hands we'd be losing cannons and people left and right as it slips out of sweaty hands and smooth gloves. So it's going to take some force to make this thing explode. Like if I threw it against the wall."

"Noooooo!" The three of them cried as Essay prepared to throw the cannonball at the wall.

"Just kidding." Essay smiled as the three of them breathed a sigh of relief, "I don't think it'll explode even if I threw it at the wall. Maybe it only explodes at Terminal Velocity. And I don't think it can reach that unless it's shot with more force than just throwing it. Though I could drop it. From like a few yards. Depends on when it hits Terminal Velocity. Few stories maybe? Hmm...Thesis, open the window!"

"Sir!" Armin cried, "Please, you had a point to make with that cannonball?"

"Hm? Oh right." Essay said, withdrawing the cannonball from outside the window, "Well alright then, where was I? Oh yeah, this thing is heavy."

…

"So?"

"So what if we made it lighter?"

"It would have to have less gunpowder." Mikasa said, "And then it'd makes less of an impact."

"Exactly." Essay said, "So if we made it lighter then we'd have to make up for the lesser quantity of gunpowder. So why not fix the quantity with quantity?"

"...What?"

"Okay look at this." Essay said as he pulled a small black sphere from his pocket, "This is an explosive. Packed with gunpowder or whatever and it's this small and portable. However it makes as much of a bang as a firework."

And before anyone could react, Essay threw the explosive at the ground and jumped as it's explosion rattled the classroom.

"See?" Essay said as they coughed from the smoke, "Didn't even break through the floor. Cracked it a little. A lot. But when compared to this full on cannonball I wouldn't be alive right now. So if we want the same effect a cannonball would have we use multiples of this mini-explosive. Now I know what you're thinking. How many of these mini-explosives would it take to equal this cannonball? Good question. Let's test it out. I'll start by throwing two explosives this time and for a control, Thesis you throw the cannonball at the same time."

"Stop!" Armin cried, still coughing, "Can you stop setting off explosives in class?!"

"Fine." Essay sighed as he put away his explosives and took the cannonball back from Thesis, "No live demonstration of explosives."

"Thank you!"

"Sir." Eren said as he raised his hand, "I don't really see the point of having explosives in the middle of combat. What if they're accidentally set off when you're hit by the titan?"

"Let me ask you a question Eren, if a titan smashes you against a tree will you still be alive even if you didn't have an explosive?"

"...No."

"Thank you."

* * *

"But it still doesn't explain why you would suggest using explosives." Mikasa spoke up, "If it doesn't do as much damage as a cannonball alone why would you suggest packing something so dangerous in our fight against Titans?"

"To answer that question, we'll have to stop comparing the explosives to a cannonball."

"What?"

"Look." Essay sighed, "Obviously this explosive doesn't do as much damage as a cannonball would, but it's much smaller and more versatile than a cannonball."

"Can you give an example?" Mikasa asked.

"Certainly. How would you rip a titan's arm off with a cannon?"

"...Shoot his arm?"

"Correct." Essay said, "Now how would you take off it's arm with this tiny explosive?"

"...Throw it at his arm?"

"Come now look at the floor. It couldn't break through the floor much less through a titan's arm."

…

"Throw it at the elbow?" Armin suggest.

"EXACTLY!" Essay cried, "Throw an explosive or two at a joint and the forearm will fall right off."

"But Titans can regenerate that arm." Eren frowned.

"Have you ever tried fighting a titan with arms?"

"Yes. Yes I have. It was hard."

"Exactly. So you blow off his arm and then kill him while he writhes in pain. Plus now there's no forearm to get in your way. Besides, regeneration takes a while."

"...Huh."

"It's really effective if you aim for his exposed joints. Though if you're going to do this I suggest you aim for the inside of the elbows and the back of the knees. They're the weakest there. You can do the shoulder and hips as well, but I don't think attacking the hips will do much good and if you get a shot at his shoulders, preferably the armpits, you probably could just throw it at the side of his body instead."

"...Huh..."

"The explosives are also ranged weapons so you can throw it at a titan's neck instead of risking getting too near him. Assuming you don't miss. It's small enough that Titans don't notice it so you can also scatter them in the path of a titan and blow off their feet. You can also hit the side of a titan's head to distract them. And my personal favorite, throw it at his throat to silence their infernal roaring. All these injuries they will recover from, but you should be aiming to weakening them and buying time."

"Isn't that too much resources spent on a single titan?" Mikasa asked.

"It might be, but imagine every single person fighting alongside you armed with explosives. And they aren't complete idiots. If we say that about 5 or so people are always focused on killing one titan then if we speed up the process with explosives that could allow for less people to be sent to deal with one titan. So instead of a ratio of 5:1, we could have a ratio of 2:1 or even 1:1 which means less people need be spent fighting a single titan at a time.

What's more look at this explosive in comparison to this cannonball. It's like...a thousand times smaller than this cannonball, no hyperbole. Imagine how many explosives we can manufacture given the content and shape of this explosive is dramatically less than a cannonball in comparison."

"What about titans who can harden their skin into bone?" Mikasa asked, "I don't think the explosives will be very effective then."

"That's true." Essay said, "I imagine you can still blow off their arms and legs if you exploit their exposed joints. They might be able to harden those points as well, but I don't know how maneuverable they will be if they solidify a joint. To deal a lethal blow against someone who can create such a defense...well...the explosives are best used if your exploit a weakness in the titan. So if you can't find a weakness, then I guess you'll have to make one. Pierce the bone with your sword and stuff an explosive in that crack. It should at least blow up the bone long enough for you to get a hit in."

"Hmmm..."

"And that's just the tip of the iceberg." Essay smiled as he put down the cannonball, "For the next part of the class shall we go outside?"

"Outside?" Armin frowned, "For what?"

"Practice." Essay said, "Inside a titan's mouth."

* * *

"Thesis, can you go grab the titan's head we have in storage?" Essay asked once they got outside.

"I don't know where that is."

"What?!"

"You took it before for your tests and I haven't seen it since."

"Oh...well...can you grab the paper-mache one?"

"Yes sir."

"Um...sir?" Armin raised his hand, "What's this about a titan's mouth?"

"Well let me ask you something. How many of you have ever been in a titan's mouth?"

Eren raised his hand.

"Really? They tend not to be very good at chewing their food are they?"

"I guess." Eren shrugged.

"Point is that titans tend to want to eat us. So it's really helpful if you can survive in a titan's mouth. At least until you kill it."

And before anyone could respond, Thesis was back with...a giant titan head...made out of paper-mache...on a cart.

"Do you want the top jaw on or off?" Thesis asked as she pulled the pulled a chain to lift the top of the titan's head up.

"Leave it on." Essay smiled as he got on the cart, "More realistic."

"Sir...are you really going to teach us how to survive in a titan's mouth?" Armin asked, skeptical.

"At least until one of you dies."

"How?" Eren asked.

"Just watch." Essay smiled as Thesis helped him put on a 3D maneuver gear.

"Now. Your main weapon are your swords." Essay said as he drew a pair of swords, "And their biggest strength is that the blade is detachable."

"That's a strength?" Armin frowned.

"If you use it." Essay said as he pulled some candy from his pocket, "Candy?"

The three took a piece of candy and popped it into their mouths.

"Now." Essay said as he ate his own piece of candy, "How are you moving the candy around in your mouth?"

"...My tongue?" Eren said.

"Yep. The tongue not only allows you to speak, but also distributes food through your mouth. Into the teeth. Which we want to avoid. So in order to avoid the teeth, what should we do?"

…

"Cut off the tongue?" Mikasa suggested.

"Correct. However it takes a while to cut off a titan's tongue. What's more it regenerates anyway. It will take a while, but the problem here is that when first entering a titan's mouth, you're not in the position to properly cut off their tongue. So what should you do?"

…

…

"You make it so the tongue can't move." Essay answered.

"Can't move?" Armin frowned, "How do you do that?"

"Simple." Essay said as he brought up one of his swords and stabbed it into the tip of the tongue, "Done."

…

"That's it?" Mikasa frowned.

"The tongue's joint is in the back. Which means the most movement it gets is in the front. So you pin down the tip of the tongue and it can't move as well anymore."

"This is better than cutting off it's tongue?" Eren said.

"It's better because you can do it more easily." Essay explained. If you get swallowed by a titan, you can avoid falling down his throat by stabbing your sword in the titan's mouth. Better yet, you pin the titan's tongue to the floor of the mouth making it more stable for you to sit on."

"Bleh." Armin frowned, disgusted.

"It is kind of disgusting, but it affords you more advantage since...really you're kind of past the worst of a titan. Giant arms and hands. Teeth. You're safe from all that."

"But you're stuck." Mikasa noted.

"Ah, but I'm not finished yet." Essay smiled, "Not even with the tongue. Because even if you stab it in the tip you've only prevented the tongue from curling back. It can still curl inward on either side and mess you up. So what do you do?"

"...More stabbing?" Eren asked.

"Correct!" Essay said as he pulled out his second sword and stabbed it on the side of one of the replica titan's tongue.

"You're kind of out of swords." Armin noted.

"But it's not the swords that's pinning down the tongue."

"...Oh!"

Essay detached the handle of his sword from the blade, leaving the blade embedded in the floor of the mouth and drew new blades from his gear, stabbing a third blade down on the other side of the mouth before drawing a new one.

"I call this a triangle stab." Essay smiled, "Shaped like a triangle and immobilizes the tongue."

"So how do you escape?" Eren asked.

"The question is...do you want to escape."

…

"Wh-"

"Don't ask, you're just going to bolster his ego." Armin sighed.

"Think about it." Essay smiled, "You're in his mouth. What's behind you?"

…

"His throat?"

"More than that."

…

"The back of his neck."

"Really?" Eren frowned

"Yeah." Essay said, looking at the back of his replica titan's mouth, "Surprising isn't it?"

"But...how would you get to his neck?" Mikasa frowned.

"First of all, if you want to get out you can probably attack the joints at his jaws. You're probably going to have to get to his cheeks to make it work, but I'll tell you how to get past them later."

"O...kay..."

"Anyway, how to get to his neck. That was the real question." Essay said, rubbing his hands, "The answer is simple."

He pulled out an explosive. His students groaned,

"Seriously?" Armin sighed, "Do you just blow up every problem you come across?"

"Well it works. It's also why I'm not married." Essay frowned, "Not that it really matters."

"..."

"Anyway, just toss the explosive down his throat. If anything it will distract him long enough for your comrade to kill him."

"...That's it?" Mikasa frowned.

"Yeah." Essay said, "It's not rocket science."

"Really?" Armin frowned, "Even I think that's kind of an anti-climax."

"Well...you could cut off the tongue and lace it with explosives before shoving it down his throat."

"That's...better?"

"Oh and now I have to tell you how to bypass the teeth." Essay smiled.

"Does it involve explosives?"

"Not necessarily." Essay said, "You could just as easily cut the titan's teeth out with your sword. But that takes a while and I'm not very good at dentistry. So instead you can stuff an explosive between the teeth and set it off."

"Owwwww..." Armin and Eren winced as they imagined that.

"Either way you should aim at the gums."

* * *

"Okay." Armin sighed, "If you have all these ideas about how to kill titans-"

"Slay titans." Mikasa corrected.

"Yeah I have a question about that." Eren interrupted, "What's the difference between just killing titans and 'slaying' titans?"

"Nothing really. Just wanted to sound fancy." Essay admitted.

"Which reminds me, were you the one who wrote the flyer?" Mikasa said, holding up the flyer from this morning.

"Yep."

…

"I like it." Mikasa said.

"Thanks."

"Can I get back to my point?" Armin sighed, "If you have these ideas about how to kill or slay titans then why haven't you brought it up to your superiors?"

"Many reasons." Essay said as he got out of the replica titan's mouth, "For one other people don't like the way I think."

"Wonder why..." Armin muttered.

"Another is that I haven't shared these ideas with too many people yet."

"What?"

"Really? You seem like the talkative type." Mikasa noted.

"When it comes to my work, not really." Essay said, "At most I've lobbied for more mini-explosives. After all this is not information, it's technique. Knowing something and putting it into action are completely different."

"So why did you tell us?" Eren asked.

"I need second opinions." Essay said, "Do you think these techniques will work? Is the science behind them solid? What's wrong, what needs changing. That's what I'm looking for."

"And you decided to teach us instead of asking because..."

"I didn't say you couldn't ask. I didn't say you have to use these techniques either. I've tested it, but I don't know if it's worth teaching."

"Wait, you tried all this before?!" Armin cried.

"Of course." Essay frowned, "What scientist doesn't preform tests?"

"You're a scientist?" Eren asked.

"Kind of."

"Kind of?" Mikasa said.

"Well I do studies and stuff, but I'm technically part of the Scouting Legion."

"And that's how you practiced your techniques?"

"Yep." Essay smiled, "Been in about 3 titan's mouths now. Hardest part is getting past the teeth unscathed."

"...Are you real?"

"Anyway, class is dismissed." Essay said, clapping his hands, "As I've stated, I don't really care if you decide to use my ideas or not. Just be careful out there and you should be fine without charging headfirst like me. Now it's late and I have research and dinner to do. Possibly at the same time. Resanner. Dinearch. Anyway, class is dismissed. See you tomorrow for the next class."

"Wait." Armin said, "THERE'S MORE OF THIS?!"


End file.
